How You Doin?
by Tiny Wolverine
Summary: Answer to the challenge on qwerty91's thread! Noctis gets drunk, sleeps with a woman he barely knows, and the tale is recounted by said woman... Random, no pairings, supposed to be funny but probably isn't, oneshot, and completely plotless. Enjoy!


**How You Doin'?  
**_A completely random fanfic by DFA_

**Sorry people, because the beginning's a bit crappy, and Noctis doesn't become a 'skirt chaser' until after everyone had their chance in the spotlight. But it is rather random... I hope. Haha, I'm freaking tired, so if my humour's bad, please forgive me!**

**Disclaimer: **_**If I am Square Enix, you guys wouldn't even talk to me, because I'd be a company! xD SEE? BAD JOKE! -hits head repeatedly on table-**_

**That would be my sleep-deprived state's fault.**

**Does that make sense?**

**Anyways, read and review!**

* * *

**How You Doin'?**

He woke up with something warm in his arms, no clothes on him, and a massive hangover.

Okay, let's go through this in his hung-over head slowly. The warmth in his arm was probably his pet dog. Right? Right.

He probably forgot to pull clothes on after changing last night, tired and drunk as he was.

The hangover... well, that came with drinking far too many alcoholic drinks, didn't it?

Noctis turned his head and groaned slightly. He felt sore all over. He took a deep breath, and let it out. Then, he took another one in because the scent of this hotel was damn good. Mm... sort of citrus-y, with a tinge of sweat, but that was probably from the hard sex he had.

Wait, what?

Noctis' eyes snapped open as the creature in his arms turned around and began to snore again. Light, feminine, definitely not Stella because she woke up at the slightest thing.

"HOLY SHIT!"

He sat up and scooted away from the strawberry-haired woman as far as he could. She sat up too, and the blanket that had been covering her pooled around her waist as her hand –thankfully, her right hand – moved across her bare chest to where he now remembered the gun he had torn from her waist and thrown on into the wall (with a crash and a bang, he might add – he hoped the next room was still intact and the people were still alive) had been... last night.

"Shit isn't holy," the girl told him haughtily, and he remembered her name – Lighting, or Light, or something... Right, Lightning.

"Whatever, know-all," Noctis grumbled, crossing his arms over his chest.

Lightning cast him an odd glance.

"Why are you naked?" she asked innocently.

He choked (because he had been taking a drag on a cigarette he hadn't noticed he had), glanced down and realized that he _was_ naked. The thought had slipped his mind when he had been too busy wondering why she had been with him instead of Stella.

Not that Stella had been as good as her.

He immediately turned bright crimson at the thought, and steam came out of his ears and eyes – an amazing feat for someone who'd never smoked. Lightning raised her eyebrows, muttered, "Baby," and stood up to go change. Her back was to him as she bent down to gather up her discarded clothes.

For some reason, Noctis couldn't keep his eyes off her butt.

At last, Lightning grew incredibly uncomfortable, and turned around to confront him. "Why are you staring at my butt?"

Noctis averted his gaze without answering.

"How did this happen, do you remember?" Noctis finally asked her, his voice high and pitchy like a girl's from his nerves. Lightning winced from the strength of his tone and the pitchy-ness didn't help either.

"Er..."

oOo

Noctis ordered his fifth drink just as Bradley came over with Laris and Marcus.

"Hey, Noctis, my man, my love, and my future husband!" Bradley sang, and choked when Laris jumped on him.

"BUT YOU SAID YOU WERE _MY_ HUSBAND! I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME!"

Noctis grunted a greeting and downed his next drink, ignoring their scuffling. Marcus was too busy grinning his head off to notice them.

"Dude, your braces are blinding," the bartender told him, shading his eyes. Marcus just kept grinning, although he noticeably turned his head to catch more light to shine at the bartender, obviously thinking, _take that for insulting my teeth! And that! And THAT! And THIS!_

Then, Noctis slammed it down with a wail that caught the attention of almost everyone. Almost, because there happened to be a deaf guy there, a blind guy who couldn't figure out where the noise had been coming from, a couple busy doing 'it' on the main stage under the strong headlights, his occupied friends, and a really moody-looking girl who was scowling at her friend, who was trying to get her to drink the exact same drink he was drinking right now.

"IT'S NOT WORKING! I'M NOT GETTING DRUNK! IT'S MY OWN FREAKING COCKTAIL PARTY AND I'M NOT DRUNK!"

And being the emo-boy he was, he proceeded to whack his head repeatedly on the already cracked bartop. (Cracked because he hadn't been the only one who'd been emo-ing)

"I WANT MY MOMMY!"

No one took notice of him this time, except for Stella, who'd been staring dreamily at him for the past few hours.

"MOMMY!"

And then his face lit up.

"Hey, I'm DRUNK!"

He jumped onto the table, shattering the glass under his booted foot. Good thing Marcus was still blinding the bartender with his braces or he'd have a broken leg and a destroyed boot. He loved his boot – it was Prada.

"HAH! I'M DRUNK! TAKE THAT, YOU UNDRUNK PEOPLE! BWAHAHHAHAHAH!" Then, he spied someone with a hot ass. "HEY, BEAUTIFUL ASS! YOU'RE SO PRETTY!" he yelled at the top of his lungs.

Everyone might as well be wearing earmuffs for all the attention they gave him, including the girl with the hot ass, but he didn't seem to care that they weren't. He jumped from the table and onto some fat guy's stomach, and rebounded high into the ceiling. His head crashed through the stone top, and he found a terrified bird standing an inch from his nose.

"Hey pretty birdy, c'mere, you smooth-talker, yes, you! C'mon bab – ow!" Noctis yelled in its beak.

The bird squawked as if to say, _serves you right, you freaking bastard – men like you don't deserve women like me! _And then it flew away.

Noctis scowled after it.

"And I thought we had a chance!" he yelled, then realized that his head was sliding down. "Hey, I'm falling!"

And he did fall, landing on the usually immaculate flooring of the ballroom that belonged to his mansion with a shattering crack.

He glanced down at the floor, and realized that he had _gone right through_ the flooring.

His lip stuck out in a pout.

"Oh man."

"NOCTIS HONEYBUNNY, CUPPYCAKE, THE APPLE OF MY EYE! ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?"

Stella rushed up to him, tripped, and flew into this huge shoe-sized guy. They flew out the window, because he grew wings! Great, white, fluffy wings!

"SNOW! Teach me that trick NOW!"

The redheaded woman who had been trying to get her friend drunk jumped up and ran out the window as well – she grew tiny baby wings that flapped uselessly.

She turned around and scowled. Noctis walked over to her and leaned on the wall next to her, hiccupping slightly.

"So," he began. "How you doin'?" (think Joey Tribbiani from Friends)

Vanille pulled back her arm and slapped him, hard.

oOo

"So that explains the red mark!" Noctis exclaimed.

Lightning shot him an irritated look. "Can I continue?"

"Please."

"Mmmph mmph mumph maeaph, phh!"

"What?"

She finished pulling on her shirt and said, randomly, "Kuh-CHIAK!" in a seriously cute and creepy voice as her head popped up the head-hole, then pulled it back over her head, then pulled it down again, saying the same thing in the same tone of voice. She did so for a few more minutes.

Noctis stared at her funnily.

She cleared her throat. "Well! Anyways..."

oOo

Vanille looked him up and down once, then turned away, going "tch!"

"But baby, we're getting somewhere!" Noctis cried. "I mean, I was about to ask you for your name! Is my voice not sexy enough? I can try! C'mon, baby, don't leave me!"

Vanille flounced off, raising her hand, palm facing his face. "Talk to the hand, man-whore," she snapped.

Noctis grabbed the hand and began to talk to it. "Hello Bob! Nice to meet you – can you tell this girl here that I want her name and phone number by midnight? Thank you, Bob! What, why am I talking to you? Because this girl doesn't want to."

Vanille tugged her hand out of his and stalked away, muttering, "How desperate can men get?"

"Very desperate if they're as purty as you!" Noctis called after her in desperation.

Vanille turned around and stuck up her middle finger.

"You wound me!" Noctis pretended to grab his chest, and leaned forward...

And pinched her butt.

oOo

"So what did she do to me this time?"

Lightning glared at him.

"Yes mother, I'll shut up now."

oOo

Vanille shrieked, and fainted.

Noctis stared down at her, and shrugged. "Well, I do have a great effect on girls..." Then, he spied another girl.

"Hey, pretty lady, how you doin'?"

The big-chested blond raised her eyebrows at him, then turned back to her friend. "So Derek said..."

"I don't give a damn what Derek said, I just want your phone number, and maybe a convocation with you," Noctis told her flirtatiously, fluttering his freakishly long lashes. "C'mon, pwetty baby."

"It's con-ver-sa-tion," she spoke slowly like he was mentally incompetent. "And we're _trying_ to have a conversation here."

"Yeah, and _I'm _trying to have a conver – er... conversa – er..."

"CONVERSATION!"

"What you said." Well, you know it: Noctis and big words definitely don't go together.

With a groan, blondie grabbed her bag and stuffed a piece of paper into his hand.

"Hey, thanks! I'll call you."

"No, that's a phone number for the nearest Mental Hospital," Blondie said as Noctis kissed her and moved away to his next victim...

oOo

"_VICTIM?"_

"Can I _please_ tell the story?"

"Yes mother."

oOo

The beautiful _man_ was standing next to yet another man, and they were flirting with each other... or so Noctis thought.

Noctis went up to the first man and leaned on the table between them. "How you doin'?" he asked the beautiful man.

The man's eyes widened, and he whispered, "You're gay too?"

Noctis shrugged. "I could be, for you."

The second man made a disgusted sound and walked off.

The beautiful man slapped him.

"You're an insult to gays!" he yelled, and stalked off.

"You slap like a girl!" Noctis yelled back.

oOo

Noctis opened his mouth to say something.

"You say one word and you're a dead Prince," Lightning growled.

Noctis mouth shut, and he waved her on. She scowled, then continued...

oOo

"Care for a lap dance, pretty boy?"

Noctis turned, staggered, and fell into the arms of a scantily clad stripper/hooker. "How you doin'?" he managed to say. The brunette smiled sexily at him, and he grinned back a little dazedly. "You're pretty," he told her.

"Thank you."

"Thank you, but I don't think he wants a lap dance."

A cold, slightly slurring voice cut into their convo- conver-... ARGH! Whatever it is, anyways, she said, "He's gonna go home with me, aincha, Princy Boy?" the strawberry-head woman said drunkenly, in a way that turned him on, and he stared at her chest area. Wowza. She spoiled the effect by giggling.

"How you doin'?" he asked her, and the stripker (stripper/hooker) pouted, slapped him, and ran away crying. He took no notice of her, however, his eyes completely glued to Lightning's chest and his mouth wide open and a little drool coming out the side – but guys will be guys, I guess!

"I'm fine," Lightning said, giggling like a little girl, then she leaned forward and planted a messy kiss on his lips.

And well, I'm guessing you know what happened next.

You don't? Oh well, that's not my fault, is it?

No it isn't! Just go get changed, you know you're naked, right?

Shut up.

No YOU shut up!

No YOU!

YES YOU!

Damn you, Noctis.

Noctis, in last night's clothes, stretched and looked at Lightning, who was trying to tug on her shoe.

"The story isn't real, is it?"

Lightning looked up, and gave him a mischievous smile.

"No."

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**I am an insult to randomness! GASP! It's terrible, everyone! IT'S TERRIBLE!**

**I shall now kill myself by hitting myself repeatedly on the head with this sledgehammer I found!**

**Sorry!**

**I know it's very bad...**

**But please still review.**

**Constructive criticism is welcomed.**

**Compliments are welcomed.**

**Flames are welcomed, too, but ignored because this is a random fanfic with no starter plot.**

**Review!**


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